SPIRITUAL BYPASSING: Selected case examples

To illustrate what spiritual bypassing can look like in a variety of different grief scenarios, the following anonymized case examples are drawn from a selection of grief support group members and individuals receiving one-on-one bereavement support as part of a hospice follow-up program in the United States. Names and identifying features have been changed.

 

TOM – Prayer as Spiritual Bypass

Tom’s wife of nearly 50 years had open heart surgery with complications that resulted in an extended eight-hour surgery and a long stay in the intensive care unit, where she was on a ventilator in critical condition. Tom said that he was not worried about her at all, because his church had organized a nationwide prayer chain, and he felt certain that she would recover and thrive. She did not have an advance directive, and when Tom’s adult children tried to help him address the possibility that she might not survive, he refused to discuss it, because he knew the prayers would carry her through. When she died after a week in ICU, Tom was stoic and did not outwardly express any emotion, saying that despite the prayers, God took her for a reason that only God can know, and it is not his place to question God’s will.

SHARON - Protected by a Religious Figure  

Ten years ago, Sharon’s teenage son Derek went hiking in the wilderness but never returned home, and his body was found two weeks later at the bottom of a 90-foot waterfall. Suicide was suspected but not confirmed. When asked what kind of tools and social support helped Sharon get through this tragic loss, the conversation looked something like this:

Sharon: Jesus helped me. He helps me every day.  I couldn’t have survived without him, and I know he’s looking after Derek.

Counselor: That must be very comforting. You seem very much at peace. How does Jesus help you now?

Sharon: He is with me all the time, and he loves me. It really helps to know that I’m not alone and that Derek is not alone.

Chaplain: You mentioned earlier that you have a close group of friends and family that have also been very helpful.

Sharon: They were helpful at first, but they eventually faded away. Unlike them, Jesus is always there. He doesn’t fade away. It’s different than having friends and family, because he can carry the pain for me, and they can’t. And he can reunite me with Derek in heaven, and protect me from harm. When Derek died, I wasn’t a Christian yet, and that’s my biggest regret. Because if I’d had Jesus back then, I don’t think he would have let my son die.

MARY JANE - Chronic Spiritual Bypass

Mary Jane was an online counseling client. The Zoom background she'd created was a giant image of her 17 year-old son Joey with angel wings that filled the whole screen, making her a small figure in the foreground. He had died by suicide five years earlier; a tremendous trauma for her, having discovered him hanging in his bedroom. She often talked about the communications she's received from him (an experience that can be healthy and healing). However, as we explored more deeply, she revealed that she had not changed a thing in his room. Her health was failing, she had withdrawn from social support, and she was increasingly unable to maintain her four-bedroom, two-story house. Despite the pleas of her other (adult) children that she re-locate, she refused to move because "this is where Joey's spirit is."

RHONDA - Anticipatory Spiritual Bypass

Rhonda’s father died three years ago, and now her mother is in hospice care, days from death. Rhonda identifies as a strong Christian, and believes that her father is in hell, and that her mother will soon be joining him there because both parents were non-believers.

Rhonda: For years I tried to share the gospel with my parents, but they weren’t interested. Dad wanted nothing to do with religion and wouldn’t let my pastor come to the hospital to pray for him, so he died without being saved, and now he’s in hell. Now mom is dying, and she’s the same way; she gets really upset when I try to tell her about Jesus, so she’ll go to hell too. It’s sad that I won’t be with them in heaven, but they made their choice, and I trust that God knows what he’s doing.

Counselor: During these remaining days with your mom, I wonder what would happen if you just allowed her to be wherever she is, without trying to change anything, and to trust that she’ll be OK. She needs your love and support now.

Rhonda: But she won't be OK. She won't get into heaven. She'll never be OK.

Counselor: That’s got to be really hard for you, imagining your parents in hell for eternity. How are you going to cope with that in the years ahead as you grieve for them?

Rhonda:  I feel fine about it. They had their opportunity to be saved, and they chose not to. I really tried. I did the best I could, I did what God wanted me to do. But they turned away. They made their choice, and it’s out of my hands now. I’m OK with it.

 

CARL – Spiritual Bypassing to Avoid Guilt

When Carl was a young student at a Christian college, his girlfriend got pregnant and had an abortion, but never told him. He found out about it 15 years later, and was so filled with guilt about his part in the dual sin of premarital sex and abortion that he had several counseling sessions with his church pastor about it. The pastor recommended that Carl attend a church-sponsored men’s post-abortion support group. One of the first healing exercises facilitated by the group leader was a letter writing process in which the men wrote a letter to everyone involved in the abortion decision --- the doctors, the mothers, themselves and even God – and then shared their letters with the group. But Carl didn’t write a letter. He felt that since he’d already confessed to his pastor and prayed for forgiveness, his sin and guilt were erased, and he was absolved, so no other emotional processing was needed. The group leader agreed with him, and excused him from participating in the group.